SIGNS
by Naheka and Joe the Nazgul
Summary: Telephones, cell phones, Palm Pilots, laptops, ParaPara, DanceDanceRevolution and CROP CIRCLES! Yay! Inspired by 'Signs' the movie. R&R if you wish.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. It belongs to Dr. JRR Tolkien.**  
  
**Author's Note:**  
_This parody was inspired by the excellent suspense movie 'Signs'. My goodness, that was a good movie! I'll be having nightmares for months! Since I hope that I've clearly stated that this is a parody, things will be out of place. And I, could not care less if anyone flamed me. I don't know why someone would flame me, and I don't even know why I am writing this. Just to say that it was inspired by 'Signs'. Oops. Just wasted websapce and time. Sorry.  
_  
  
**SIGNS**  
  
  
Food. Everywhere. Glorious, rich piles of pork, beef, potatoes, chicken, bread, sauces, cakes, ripe fruits and vegetables, and even pudding. Ale was neatly laid out behind the vast wooden bar. Gleaming tankards shone upon the top shelves. A roaring bush of fire crackled merrily in the stone mantle, and a cauldron of vegetable soup boiled above it. Festive music flowed in the empty hallways and out the window. A crowd of close friends gathered in a dance with a happily drunk Frodo Baggins.   
  
As they danced, an elderly Bilbo Baggins climbed up onto a rickety wooden table and began jumping up and down to get everyone's attention. He smiled cheerfully when the bouncing crowd had stopped dancing and turned to face him quietly.  
  
Bilbo cleared his throat and opened his mouth. Then, he said---  
  
_ Ring!_  
  
Frodo snapped his eyes open. What a lovely dream it had been, except, there weren't any mushrooms, so technically, it wasn't really the perfect dream... oh well. Soft sunlight dawned on his clear face as he flopped over in his feather bed and reached over to answer... the telephone. For some reason, it seemed to be normal to have a telephone in Hobbiton, or even in Middle-earth, for there were no telephone lines ...humph ... must be wireless phones.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Frodo!" cried a woeful Peregrin Took, "You have to come here! Quick!"  
  
Frodo slammed the telephone back onto the receiver and leaned his torso out the window, where Pippin stood as he put away a cell phone in the flower garden, watching Meriadoc Brandybuck give Samwise Gamgee a comforting pat on the back.   
  
"What is wrong, Sam?" asked Frodo, leaning more out of the window.  
  
Sam slowly turned around. Crystal tears of horror and mockery filled his eyes. They spilled from his sockets and landed with a splashing thud onto the soil. He pointed a trembling finger down into the flowers. Frodo leaned so far over the sill, that he fell out of the window.  
  
_Plunk._  
  
"Ow."  
  
Frodo smelt and tasted the dirt up in his face. Spitting it out, he rose and dust himself off. Then he saw it.  
  
In the yard by yard section of Sam's special flower patch, Niphredil and Elanor stems had been brutally crushed toward the earth, yet the stems hadn't snapped. But how delicate this crime was committed, none of the hobbits pondered. It was the shape of the bent flowers. It wasn't in a shoe print, or a hoof print, or a paw print.  
  
It was a _heart_.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
"Aragorn, my lord!" sobbed Arwen, shaking her husband frantically, "Please! Rise now!"  
  
Aragorn wearily opened his eyes. His gaze trailed across the petrified look of the Lady, and around the morning kissed bedroom. Out of the open window, he could hear people talking, some were screaming. Swiftly he bound to the window and looked out into his kingdom.   
  
A huge crowd of Men gazed upon a tipsy tower of parchment envelopes that reached almost the brim of the roofs. Some envelopes were white, others blue, and some purple. But most of them were a violent, loud, stunning, shocking---  
  
"_Pink_." mouthed Aragorn as he caught a salmon letter that had blown away with the breeze, "Why?" he turned to Arwen, who was now trying to see if she could comfortably hide in the bedroom closet, "Why are they pink?"  
  
"That I cannot tell, my lord." she whimpered. She slammed the drawing doors shut and bolted the inside.  
  
Aragorn examined the pink letter cautiously. In purple writing, his name was addressed, decorated with tiny shimmering hearts and stars. Flowery lacing bordered the edge, and inscribed in black down in the bottom left-most corner was 'Arwen is a b***h!'.  
  
"What does this mean?"  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
  
"We cannot hide from this!" boomed Gimli as he watched his best friend Legolas climb a tall tree into the skies, "We should stand against it! It could not be worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."  
  
Legolas scanned the wide gap from his standing perch, ignoring Gimli's suggestion. A large section of Mirkwood's trees had been completely hacked off their stumps. A section in the shape of a five pointed star. Wheeling around at the sound of a fleeing flock of sparrows, he spotted another clearing of cleaved trees.  
He turned. And there was another! And another... and another... and another. He was surrounded.  
  
Leaping off the branch, he shook his head at Gimli.  
  
"Perhaps there are things worse," he whispered, beginning to walk away from the terrible sight, "Things much worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."  
  
Gimli paled.   
  
Suddenly, the telephone rang!  
  
Legolas snatched a cordless phone off a hook that was plugged into a tree.  
  
"Suilad."  
  
"Legolas?" came an excited reply out of the ear, "Hey! Pippin here. We've just found the strangest markings in Sam's garden---"  
  
"Were they in the shape of stars?" Legolas asked quickly. Gimli waited eagerly at his heels.  
  
"No.... They were hearts. Five of 'em in fact."  
  
"Five..." His voice drifted off.  
  
_Ring! Ring!_  
  
Gimli unhooked Legolas' cell phone off the elf's waist. Looking at the tiny screen, he said, "It's a call from Lord Aragorn."  
  
"Answer it." said Legolas, continuing to listen to Pippin's dramatic memory of the morning.  
  
"'Ello?"  
  
"Yes. Greetings, Master Gimli," replied Aragorn, "Have you seen anything strange this morning?"  
  
"Well," drawled Gimli, shifting his weight, "Other than watching King Thranduil drink a cup of decaf coffee, and Legolas answer a phone that was plugged into a tree... yes, I have seen something strange this morning."  
  
"Tell me. What have you sighted?"  
  
"Bits of Mirkwood have been shaved into the shape of stars. Five stars to be precise."  
  
"Strange.... Thank you for informing me of that Master Dwarf, but I must leave you at once. Good day."  
  
_Beep._  
  
Gimli snapped Legolas' cell phone shut and handed it back to him. Legolas slipped it back onto his belt and finally hung up on a still chattering Pippin.  
  
"Something is definitely about Middle-earth, Gimli," he sighed, "I hope Mithrandir is somewhere in the area. We could use his counsel at the moment."  
  
---------  
How was that? Is this worth continuing? Mention in a review, if you decide to leave one.   



	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. I don't own Nokias, PalmPilots, ParaPara, or Dance Dance Revolution.  
  
H_i! Thanks for reviewing everyone!  
  
**To Sagarian:**  
  
_I wanted to scream so badly at that part! And when they saw the silhottue on the roof at night, and the TV reflection, and when they attacked the boy in the basement. I'm so scared! Cool!_  
  
**To Ruby Barrows and Amarth:**  
  
_You MUST see 'Signs'! It's scary, but it's great! It's so... awesome! I'm so scared that I'm laughing! Oh God... I'm petrified! Ha!  
  
_  
  
**SIGNS**  
_  
  
  
Ring! Ring!_...._ Ring! Ring!_ .... _Ring! Ring!_ .... _ Ring! Ring!  
  
_ Gandalf woke with a start. Looking around wildly, he discovered that he had fallen asleep still mounted on Shadowfax. He raised an eyebrow at his horse, who was actually pawing at a laptop, sending e-mails to all his little horsie friends.   
  
Shadowfax turned and neighed at Gandalf's cell phone. Curiously, he read '_1 missed call_' on the minute screen of his storm grey _Nokia_ . It was from Legolas. Yet, it was only seven in the morning and the wizard was feeling rather weary round his legs from sitting on a horse all night long.  
  
He achingly dismounted, and did a few morning stretches before examining the terrain he was in.   
  
Odd picture it was. He was in a crop field, full of very tall stems of ripe wheat. Yet, he was standing in a large arena of bent wheat stems, shaped like an 'L'. Crunching around in the patch, his eyes caught another clearing through the stalks. A grave feeling crept over him.  
  
Quickly, he ran toward the clearing, brushing away branches of wheat from his path.  
  
Stumbling onto it, he found that this clearing had a different shape. There were two curved sections, and two sharp points. "It is a heart?" thought Gandalf, now racing toward another shape he spotted. "This is a 'T'." He ran forth expecting another clearing to be in front. "And an 'R'"  
  
  
  
  
  
Shadowfax was dancing to a _'Dance Dance Revolution'_ mix he found on_ Kazaa _when the Istari returned. After watching his steed stomp and prance to the beat, he muttered, "I need a pen and paper."  
  
Shadowfax whinnied and tossed a _Palm Pilot_ out of a sack that had been laid on his back. Gandalf caught it and stared at it for a while. He gently touched the little black pebbles that had been inserted at the bottom. A large blank screen stared back at him. Whiniing again, Shadowfax took the Palm Pilot, whipped out the tiny silver pen from the slot in the back, and gave it back to the wizard. Gandalf snorted and tapped the 'Writing Pad' icon.  
  
"Now," said Gandalf, scribbling on the screen, "L... heart... T... R." As he finished, he whipped out his _Nokia _again and called Legolas back from his address book. "Hello, Legolas?... Mm-hm, yes. Some kind of-- I know, I know.... Well I found something here... no they aren't stars. It's an L, a heart, a T, and an... R? Yes, an R. How did you know?.... Acronym?.... Hearts aren't letters, Legolas.... Agh.... This isn't right... Gimli? Alright then. Put him on.... Greetings, Master Dwarf... do I drink decaf coffee? No, I prefer Frappacinos from Starbucks.... Where is--What is Starbucks? How can you not know what Starbucks is? It's on the corner of every street in every town!.... Legolas answered a phone that was plugged into a tree? Master Dwarf, you should stop drinking Malt beer and get a cup from Strabucks!"  
  
_ Beep._  
  
"Hm," sighed Gandalf, "He hung up on me. Must be bad transition.... Oh well! On to Mirkwood, Shadowfax!"  
  
Unfortunately, Shadowfax coudln't hear the wizard's command, as he had a pair of headphones hooked over his white ears, still dancing. But this time, he was moving his fronts legs to _ParaPara_!  
  
"This... is going to take some time."  
  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
  
"I'm so sorry, Mister Frodo!" wailed Sam later that night, clinging onto Frodo's shoulder, "I'm sorry I let ye' down! I failed! The beautiful Lothlorien flowers have been smashed! How could I have let it happen?"  
  
"No, Sam," said Frodo, giving Sam a seat on a wooden stool, "It is not your fault. There is something out there."  
  
Out of nowhere, the _X-files_ theme music began playing. The hobbits fell into a frightened transe. All was silent.  
  
_Ring! Ring!_  
  
Merry picked up the phone that was next to the silver stainless steel refrigorator.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Greetings Mariadoc---"  
  
"_Meriadoc_!"  
  
"Sorry. Meriadoc Brandybuck. Have you seen anything strange lately?"  
  
"Yes, I have. Now who are you?"  
  
"Because if you have, _you just won the grand prize_!"  
  
"I did? What did I win?"  
  
"Absolutely _nothing_! Ha! Ha! Prank call from the Proudfoots!"  
  
Merry held the phone away from his ear at looked down at in disgust. As he slammed it back onto the reciever, Pippin said "I thought it was the Proud_ feet_!"  
  
"Be quiet."  
  
"What's that?!" shrieked a horrified Frodo, pointing out to the scrubbed kitchen window. A dark blue dusk had overcome daylight as the rest of the hobbits gathered around the sill.  
  
Upon the roof, a black sillhoutte had paused in the moonlight. It was a feminine form, wearing some kind of short skirt and a shirt that sparkled like sequins, not _mithril_. It turned to the kitchen window, then it fell off the roof. Hounds growled and barked at it, followed by terrifed squeaks and a rustle of bushes.  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
  
"Mithrandir!" cried Legolas as he and Gimli rushed to Shadowfax and his rider, "Thank you for coming so quickly!"  
  
"Tis necessary if I am to investigate this riddle properly," Gandalf replied, "Now, please lead me to the markings, and I will continue to ponder the questions."  
  
Legolas and Gandalf began walking away into the even darker forest as Gimli and Shadowfax danced to '_ParaPara_'.   
  
"Come, Gimli!" Legolas called after the dancing dwarf, "We have no time for games."  
  
Gimli was about to turn off the sound to Shadowfax's laptop when suddenly he spotted a scrawny dark figure lurking in a short tree only a few yards away from them. Legolas must have seen it too, as he whipped out his bow and fired an arrow directly at the figure.   
  
The creature caught the arrow in a large wooden shield it was carrying. Suddenly, it fell off the branch and into the dirt, but it didn't bother to dust itself off as it plucked the arrow from the shield and ran away screaming like a lunatic.  
  
"Very strange," muttered Gimli, taking his hand off the handle of his axe, "Something is definitely out there."  
  
Shadowfax pumped up the volume again, sending the _X-files_ theme blasting for all of Middle-earth to hear.   
  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
  
"Oh! Aragorn!" called Arwen from the TV room...TV... hm, "Come and look what is on the Discovery Channel! They have a document on Forensic Entomolgy*!"   
  
Aragorn trudged into the area, still clutching the pink envelope. When Arwen looked upon him, he saw that his face had been tear stricken and woed.  
  
"What is wrong, my Lord?" she asked, taking him into her arms, "You are troubled once again."  
  
Aragorn blinked. "Someone in this letter," he said, handing the elf maiden the envelope, "Threatened to come and kill you so that they could 'have a shot at' me. I believe they are going to fire arrows through our bedroom window.  
  
"Do not fear them," replied Arwen, gently stroking his hair, which for once was actually washed, "We shall sleep in peace tonight, the next night, and even the night after that. No one can come between us, assasins or not."  
  
Then, just as she was about to kiss his lips, the phone rang!  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~  
*In case you don't know, Forensic Entomology is the science of determining how long a corpse has been dead using insects, mainly flies and maggots.  
  
-----------------  
Hope ye' enjoyed that! I wanna' see if I can go see 'Signs' again! That was a good movie! Now, I have to drag Mom and Dad. Went with Chaos-chan the last time. Review if you wish!   
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. SIGNS ain't mine, either.  
  


* * *

  
**SIGNS**  
  
"What?" snapped Arwen, instantly breaking out of her soothing tone to answer the shiny black phone that sat on the table next to the couch. Aragorn fell back into a chair as he watched his wife launch into a feminine chatter with the friend that was calling. He reached over to the coffee table and popped open a can of ... Pepsi... no, it was diet 7up. He reminded himself to tell Arwen to purchase something interesting next time she went marketing, like Sprite, or Coca-cola. Maybe even Root Beer. Yes, Root Beer. Lovely, precious, tasty Root Beer.  
  
But then, there was Vanilla Coke.  
  
"We interrupt this boring and nonexistent news report to bring _another _boring and nonexistent new report!" boomed an important voice from the television. Aragorn coughed out his soda as Arwen accidentally dropped the phone back onto the receiver. On the television, aerial camera shots of crop circles were being shown. They were in the most unusual shapes: stars, LOTR, arrows, and a sword... but most of all, there were---  
  
"Hearts!" shrieked every member of the Fellowship at whatever point they were in Middle-earth.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
Gimli was banging his head so hard on the cave wall that Thranduil himself attempted to restrain him from bringing the cave down. Legolas was sitting cross-legged on the forest-green couch, his jaw hanging in utter horror, arm still outstretched with the remote control in hand. His starlight pale features went paper white as the news reporter continued blabbing about whatever he thought seemed important.  
  
"Legolas... Leggy..." grumbled a little girl that sat beside the elf-prince who was reaching for the remote control, yet pointing outside the window simultaneously. We have absolutely no idea _where_ she came from, but she was Legolas'... er... five-hundred year old little sister! "Legolas..."  
  
The elf shuddered suddenly. Noticing his sibling, he turned. "Huh?"  
  
"There's a Mary-Sue outside that window. Can I have a glass of water?"  
  
"Mary-Sue?"  
  
The elfling pointed. There was the same silhouette again. Gimli turned his attention from the wall for a minute to look out the window. After a moment's glance, he returned to banging his head, cursing in his dwarvish language. Legolas' jaw dropped even further, but the little girl pushed a finger up to his chin and shut his mouth.   
  
"Here..." whispered Legolas, his eyes still concentrated on the shadow. He opened a can of Sprite and handed it to his sister.   
  
"Y'might attract your bashing fans if you keep gaping out the window like an idiot," she replied softly. Legolas blinked. "People think you're stupid.... Sometimes I agree with them." Silently, yet very gracefully, she slid off the couch and headed off to her room with her soda.  
  
Thranduil sighed and slumped his shoulders, watching his mysterious daughter exit the room. As he plopped down on the couch beside his son, he pulled open a bag of potato chips and inquired, "Who was that little girl, and how did that window get there?"  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
"Truth be told, Sir," muttered Samwise as he and Frodo walked the streets of Hobbiton. They were heading over to the pizza restraint to meet up with Master Brandybuck and Master Took. "...I think an Oliphaunt did it."  
  
"An oliphaunt?" asked Frodo, rubbing an ear with his finger.  
  
"Yes, a very dainty oliphaunt of some sort," continued the gardener-hobbit. "It... tiptoed across the Elanor... pranced on the Niphredil. Hey!" A brighter look filled his eyes. "What if the _other_ legends are true?" He stopped in his tracks and put a hand on his master's shoulder. "What if there really _is_ an Oliphaunt Fairy? You know, the one that comes after your rotten mushrooms if you leave them under your pillow."  
  
Frodo paused in his breath for a moment. He had stopped believing in the Oliphaunt Fairy as a child when he had placed a dozen or so mushrooms under his feather-sack one midsummer's eve. The next morn, he had a piece of stinking fungi making its way up his nose. He still had the same nightmares....  
  
"Hey, Merry! Look! It's Frodo Baggins!"  
  
"Knock it off, Pip. We know it's him."  
  
Merry and Pippin made their way through the crowd of hobbits bunching near the vegetable canestoga. Pippin looked very excited and kept glancing at a thick, black volume in Merry's right hand. Sam noticed this, and also seemed curious as to what the Brandybuck had purchased in the shops.  
  
"Extra Terestrial stuff!" exclaimed Pippin, jabbing a finger at Merry's book. "It's about aliens and things called Mary-Sues!"  
  
There was a loud gasp from around them. The crowd of hobbits fell completely silent. Their accusing gazes trailed for a while before landing on Peregrin.  
  
"What?"  
  
Merry leaned over to his fellow and whispered, "I don't think they like the name, Pip."  
  
"What?" repeated Pippin loudly. "Mary-Sue?"  
  
Someone in the crowd screamed. Merry shook his head and led the fool of a Took out of the market square. There were a few lectures he needed to give the poor lad... "We'll see you later!" called the Brandybuck as his farewell, still keeping a firm lead on Pippin. Sam turned to Frodo and shrugged. As for Frodo, he still looked quite uncomfortable, recalling what the Oliphaunt Fairy had done to him...  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
_ "We couldn't save him," said the ranger, tilting his wide brimmed hat up to gaze upon Estel's clearly.   
  
"What happened?" asked Aragorn, his tone urgent and determined. "What happened to Boromir?"  
  
"See..." the ranger tried to explain, but it did not come out in the most comfortable tone. "The arrows... pinned him to the tree."  
  
"Pinned him?"  
  
"He's talking almost normally. Says he doesn't feel much. But the way the arrows are in him... part of his body his still alive when it's not supposed to be. We can't save him. Do you understand what I am saying to you?"  
  
Aragorn's face faltered to a deep frown. "...This is the last time I will talk to the Steward of Gondor."  
  
"Yes."_   
  
  
  
  



End file.
